Driven (Sylvester Stallone, Burt Reynolds) no gummy bears
Carl Henry:What about the fear? Joe Tanto:It's gone. Carl Henry:The fear is never gone.
A young man, frustrated because the girl of his dreams has gone back to her German ex-boyfriend, jumps into a demo race car and takes off through downtown Chicago. His mentor, a lockjawed man of few words, jumps into another race car and takes off after him. Through the streets they go, causing pile-ups and crashes, manhole covers to jump out of their holes, and a befuddled policeman to tap his radar to see if the 195 miles per hour reading on his little radar is reading accurately. Cut to helicopters swooping overhead. The two cars stop, having wreaked havoc on most of the city, and once the two have instantaneously jumped out of their cars, the mentor hands the young man a little statue. The first one he ever won.
If you're rolling your eyes at what I just wrote, consider that it makes up just 5 minutes out of the 109 minute-long bomb known as Driven and there's plenty more where that came from. It's a schlocky, phony movie with very few redeeming qualities. Just when the race scenes start to look good, they revert to fake-looking, computer-generated trash. There are so many special effects screw-ups that you can't even say "the action was good", which is usually something redeeming you'd expect to be able to say about this kind of movie.
The piece of dreck is written by Sylvester Stallone, and it proves that in the years since he wrote Rocky, he has continued to lose brain cells on an exponential level. Consider the names of the characters: Beau, Jimmy, Carl, Joe, Memo, Crusher, Lucretia, Sophia, and Demille. Demille? Who is Demille?! No one would ever be a Demille. Not as a first name. And Beau? That better not be some lame homage to the Dukes, because there's no comparison as to which cast is better. How's that for a scary thought.
The movie opens with a rookie driver named Beck -- I mean, Jimmy Bly (Kip Pardue) -- and his rivalry with, you guessed it, Beau (Til Schweiger). Jimmy and Beau fight over Sophia (Estella Warren). Stallone plays Joe, a veteran driver who helps out his old friend Carl (Burt Reynolds) by teaching Jimmy some of the tricks of the trade, such as humming when you drive your car. And we all know how important that is. One of the most annoying Canadians alive, Dan Duran, provides excessive, repetitive, I-plan-to-bash-this-over-your head commentary throughout the whole movie too.
If you're thinking my review couldn't get any worse, I've got news for you: Driven is directed by Renny Harlin, the genius who brought us Cutthroat Island, Deep Blue Sea, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, and The Long Kiss Goodnight. When it comes to movies, Renny's about as far from the Midas touch as you can get, and this failure cements that certainty.
Do I need to mention that the final act of the movie is set at the World Championships where "everything is on the line"? Didn't think so. We've seen this movie before, and we are painfully aware that not even a boost could jumpstart this jalopy from the perils of endless boredom.
