Masters of the Universe (Dolph Lundgren, Courteney Cox)
When I was little, I walked home every day for lunch. I would guess that for 5 of those first 6 years of elementary school, ATV would air episodes of the cartoon series He-Man and the Masters of the Universe without fail at 12 noon, much to my delight. It was all the rage when it first came out in 1983, but then became a washed-up series only two years later. Even a spinoff show, She-Ra: Princess of Power couldn't rescue the waning franchise. Mattel decided to give He-Man one last college try with the live action film Masters of the Universe, and the box office results permanently sealed the fate of the toy line.
There's a lot to admire about the effort here. The special effects, while not spectacular, have held up adequately through the years. The costumes and make-up are quite well done, and the concept of having He-Man's group of friends and enemies travel through space and time to the planet Earth has lots of potential.
Unfortunately, there's lots to laugh at too. The subpar cast has to deliver some of the most painful superlines ever devised, including a buffed-up, braindead Dolph Lundgren as He-Man and Frank Langella as his nemesis, the nefarious Skeletor. I've checked their filmographies online -- has either actor ever appeared in a half-decent movie? That's your first clue to stay away from this one. A young Courteney Cox has a few glimmers of quality as Julie, but as her boyfriend Kevin, Robert Duncan McNeill is agonizing. Add perennial villainess Meg Foster as Evil-Lyn, perennial midget Billy Barty (UHF and John Byner's Bizarre) as some kind of freakish elf, and perennial bald bad guy/authority figure James Tolkan (Back to the Future's Mr. Strickland) as a trigger-happy policeman, and you've got all the workings of a cheesy contractual obligation sci-fi movie.
Are you ready for the plot description? He-Man, Duncan (Jon Cypher), and Teela (Chelsea Field) go to 1987 Earth to retrieve a key that sounds like a synthesizer. This key is necessary to free the Sorceress of Eternia (Christina Pickles) from the clutches of Skeletor. Naturally, they end up chased by bounty hunters and meet teenagers Kevin and Julie along the way. Turns out Kevin is in a band, so when the key appears to have been broken for all eternity, he is able to recreate the melody necessary to get He-Man's friends home on -- you guessed it -- a synthesizer. Speaking of music, the score is uniquely annoying throughout the whole thing.
What I learned from seeing Masters of the Universe again recently: 1) if I see a movie distributed by Golan/Globus, Cannon Pictures, or Mattel, I will avoid it at all costs; 2) if I see a pre-Friends years Courteney Cox movie on TV, I will know to switch the channel; 3) even though I never owned any of the He-Man figurines, most movies based on toy lines are rarely as creative as the memories of playing with the toys themselves.
