Mercifully, Don Henley's song of the same name is not featured in the film New York Minute. Alas, that is the only clemency afforded us in this latest cashcow that follows in the same vein as projects that make Hilary Duff and all the other tween celebrities the centre of a blockbuster nexus of fast, easy money with fast, easy projects such as TV movies and brand names on clothing lines. Embedded within the movie musically, however, there is some David Bowie, Edwin Starr, and No Doubt in a towel-wearing fantasy scene that will "no doubt" have some parents squirming in their seats.
The Olsen twins play Roxy and Jane Ryan, the former being a laidback, messy personality type and the latter being an uptight, academic personality type. They are sisters who are complete opposites, which the screenplay indirectly attributes to the fact that their mom has recently died. Yet one day, fate brings them together and, through a series of escapades and adventures, it allows them to look past their differences and respect each other. Cue music, cue padded dialogue, cue nausea.
Throughout the movie, Jane is supposed to deliver an important speech and is repeatedly delayed by wacky and outlandish obstacles, however we never believe for one minute she has the chops to be considered for a public-speaking competition in the first place. Not that this plot point is even close to being the most implausible, though. The biggest stretch may come at the hands of Andy Richter, playing a sneaky limo chauffeur with a ghastly quasi-Asian accent who, for some reason, desparately needs a micro-chip in order to keep his Chinatown CD and movie pirating business afloat. Naturally, the twins unwittingly have possession of the chip and, naturally, an anemic, shaved dog belonging to a wealthy senator (Andrea Martin) has sadly swallowed said sacred chip.
What bad comedy would be complete with only one villain chasing the girls around New York City, though? That's where Eugene Levy comes in, embarrassingly bad as a truant officer (tru·ant n. 1. One who is absent without permission, especially from school. 2. One who shirks work or duty.), hot on the case of naughty Roxy. Levy is creepy in the role and in more than one scene is portrayed as a borderline pedophile in his zeal. He also has to muddle through speaking most of the terrible jokes in the film, some being truly awkward and noteworthy only in the amount of crickets one hears chirping immediately following their delivery. Did I mention he is referred to as a "cracka" on more than one occasion?
New York Minute is as preposterous as it is stupid. The sisters find themselves crawling along the outside window ledge of a tall building, running through stunningly unfilthy New York sewers, "borrowing" a taxi cab and "racing" through Manhattan to elude the pursuit of a Levy-commandeered motorhome, moshing at a punk concert, and, without a dime to their name, getting a full makeover, hair styling and costume fitting free of charge courtesy of "Big Shirl's House of Bling", located in downtown Harlem.
Am I being too hard on a movie that I should already have low expectations going into? Perhaps. I mean, how high can you realistically set your sights when it comes to actresses who became popular based on the suceess of a sitcom like Full House? (Incidentally, watch for a cameo by the even more unfunny Bob Saget.) But all I can think of are the swarms of impressionable young people who will absent-mindedly pay their way to see it, while at the same time pumping money into the Olsen sisters's pockets (I recognize that, in attending last night's show I too am doing the same). Knowing the kind of paycheck -- and following -- these twins now command per project, in making this piece of fluff it feels like we're watching a pair of superheroes who aren't using their powers for good, and maybe that's what's most disappointing of all.
