Sixteen Candles (Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall) no gummy bears
To give you an idea how much I disliked this movie, I'll start by valiantly trying to describe how supremely it misses the mark: I've seen better Molly Ringwald movies. Check that, I've seen better Molly Ringwald/John Hughes movies. No, check that, I've seen better Molly Ringwald/John Hughes/girl-with-a-crush-on-a-guy high-school comedies. You gotta admit, that's about as self-contained a movie genre as you can get, and Sixteen Candlesstill doesn't get it right. This movie is such a sinker, the makers probably wouldn't know what to do with a life preserver if one was hurled at them.
It's a 1984 borefest featuring Anthony Michael Hall (inexplicably referred to only as The Geek), a young John Cusack (as an audio/visual nerd -- hey, there's something you don't see in any old 80s comedy!), Academy Award-nominated tyke Justin Henry (you know, from Kramer vs. Kramer), and, naturally, Molly Ringwald. So, here's one of my big beefs: who actually thinks this woman has ever been pretty? She is the epitome of sub-par. Now, I can see the tomatoes coming already; that's part of her charm, and I should be judging her solely on her performance and not (moo!) on her looks (woof), so I'll just (woof) say this: Molly Ringwald is not a babe. Never has been, never will be. And in John Hughes movies, everything else hinges on the believability that it is conceivable someone like Ringwald is desirable to The Hunk, and I just can't get over that fundamental hurtle. In the closing sequence (don't worry, I'm not spoiling anything for you), when she and her new beau lean over a candle-lit birthday cake, I almost felt guilty for saying to myself: Now if they caught on fire, that would be funny.
Let's see here -- plot... plot... no, I think we busted the writers on this one. What I will say is that the laughs are not only few and far-between, they are simply non-existent. Among the stupidest gags is a bit involving a girl who has a neck brace and can't do everyday things. See the girl with the neck brace try to drink from the water fountain! Or how about Ringwald's sister, doped up on her wedding day as she's about to marry a complete sleazeball. See the sister do pratfalls as she marches down the aisle! How about the winner of the "all in good fun" category, starring ER regular Gedde Watanabe as a foreign exchange student who doesn't understand zany American culture? Wow! On top of everything else, we can defame Oriental people because we think it's funny!
Usually, an unfunny comedy is at least fun to laugh at, but I didn't even find myself doing that. This is an un-comedy. Not even unfunny fuddy-duddy Billie Bird can rescue it from unfunniness, and that's pretty pathetic. There can be no doubt: when people these days comment that 80s movies suck, Sixteen Candles is surely the movie they have in mind.
